Twilight & New Moon

Due to a pact I made with my sister, I am subjecting myself to shit movies of her choosing. As a result, I have been watching the Twilight series. I have thus far made it through Twilight and New Moon.

For my thoughts on Twilight, go here.

I am pretty sure I saw a version of New Moon that was either from a bad dvd rip, or was deliberately re-cut by someone to try to make it more interesting. Or possibly to punish people for watching it in the first place. At first I thought the movie was just doing some flashback bullshit, but about halfway through, it became apparent that the scenes were just jumping around. But I kept watching, because I didn’t really expect to get more out of it in the proper sequence. Since I saw all the frames in the movie, I think it still technically counts as having watched it.

Here are the things I took away:

1. Bella is still kind of a vapid whore, but she has branched out from necrophilia to bestiality. I suppose that must be acknowledged as character development.
2. Werewolves don’t wear shirts. Ever.
3. Having not watched the movie in order, I am uncertain as to the events that led them to go see the Three Most Important Vampires In the World. I think Edward was going to kill himself because Bella went cliff diving. And you clearly have to do that at a church in Italy during the menses festival or whatever, because otherwise it is not a romantic gesture.

I think these movies are the runoff for all the worst extras from Law and Order.

Did you want me to buy something?

I found this in a list of ‘inspirational commercials’:



It’s well done, kind of emotionally uplifting and there is no obvious product, which tells me it is most likely an ad for cologne. Or maybe jeans. Or Mormons.

I am mildly concerned that it is entirely subliminal advertising and I’ll be compelled to buy something I don’t really want without understanding why. Like, some random item will grab my attention at the store and when I try to tell myself I don’t need it, I’ll just picture myself punching a wolf in the face and be all “Fuck you, impulse control – I am going to live my dreams”. Then I buy a pallet of Slap-Chops and drive around listening to Ace of Base for the rest of the afternoon.

Seriously though, even if your self esteem is at an all-time high, you should probably not pick a fight with a wolf. They usually don’t turn into vapor. Unless they are also vampires, which probably won’t work out in your favor either.

Dark Orthodoxy.

Yesterday I was driving home from the store and I passed a church. While I was sitting in traffic waiting for everyone to inch safely through the shitty road conditions, I happened to glance at the sign in front of the church. You know, the ones with the clever wordplay and topical humour that make a poignant statement about the status of your soul or the last time you made it to church. This one read “Learn to embrace the way in which you are embraced.

WTF does that even mean? Is it like, the embrace of god or something? I want to work something in there about being non-judgemental, but that doesn’t work if it’s about god, because god judges everyone. Is it an unconditional love thing? That might work. I guess.

Honestly the only thing it really brings to mind is this short-lived tv show about vampires, and it makes me consider the idea of a vampire church next door to Starbucks. And that’s pretty awesome.

I Will Probably Be Seeing This

This movie looks like it’s going to be pretty awesome – Nightwatch. It’s got the whole dark urban fantasy thing going on, which pretty much does it for me. It also appears to have creepy little doll things that come to life and have spider legs.

This was a originally a Russian movie – Nochnoy dozor – that came out in 2004 and apparently did amazingly well. All I know is that it 1.) Proposes that an epic battle between good and evil is occuring while the world is completely unaware and 2.) Uses pretty much every creature found in any and all horror fiction. This includes vampires, which means I have to go see it.

Also it’s a trilogy. Which I have an innate love for.