Twilight & New Moon

Due to a pact I made with my sister, I am subjecting myself to shit movies of her choosing. As a result, I have been watching the Twilight series. I have thus far made it through Twilight and New Moon.

For my thoughts on Twilight, go here.

I am pretty sure I saw a version of New Moon that was either from a bad dvd rip, or was deliberately re-cut by someone to try to make it more interesting. Or possibly to punish people for watching it in the first place. At first I thought the movie was just doing some flashback bullshit, but about halfway through, it became apparent that the scenes were just jumping around. But I kept watching, because I didn’t really expect to get more out of it in the proper sequence. Since I saw all the frames in the movie, I think it still technically counts as having watched it.

Here are the things I took away:

1. Bella is still kind of a vapid whore, but she has branched out from necrophilia to bestiality. I suppose that must be acknowledged as character development.
2. Werewolves don’t wear shirts. Ever.
3. Having not watched the movie in order, I am uncertain as to the events that led them to go see the Three Most Important Vampires In the World. I think Edward was going to kill himself because Bella went cliff diving. And you clearly have to do that at a church in Italy during the menses festival or whatever, because otherwise it is not a romantic gesture.

I think these movies are the runoff for all the worst extras from Law and Order.

He has to spend the day somewhere, I guess.

I decided to take advantage of the incredibly beautiful day by busting out the jogging shoes. I got about two blocks before my body cried out “WTF are you doing fatty? You haven’t gone jogging in like a year. Your ass is chair-shaped now. This is too much activity.” I looked to my brain for some motivational assistance, but it was all “Don’t look at me. All I know is your paladin isn’t going to level herself.” However, I was already outside, so I decided to press on.

I believe this was the universe’s way of rewarding me:


This evening, some of my friends and I gathered for our Sunday night dourke-meet to play Call of Cthulhu. Before we got around to actually playing, we had a heated argument1 about whether or not the internet colloquialism “less qq more pew pew” could be used in the general sense to tell people to quit whining and get some work done (it can), or if it must be restricted to only scenarios in which actual lasers are involved.

We then conducted a detailed investigation into the ingredient difference between regular Cheetos and Flaming Hot Cheetos. We’re pretty sure the difference is garlic.

We are scholars, each and every one.

Oh, and by the way – fuck Stephanie Meyer. Or maybe just all the fangirls. Or maybe the social networking sites that pander to them. In any event, someone wrote and published this quiz:

The answer, you giddy, dim little dipshits, is prey. Or at least it would be in a story with proper vampires that burst into flame when the sun touches them. Apparently in this world, stripper glitter has an absurdly high spf.

1Best insult of the evening: “Your mother sucks dicks for Linden dollars.