Wonder Woman

This might be awesome if it ever got made. Or it might be the sort of movie where everything awesome is given up in the trailer. Some concepts seem like they are at their best when they are hinted at rather than realized fully, and I feel like the majority of comic book movies fall into that category.

The best part always seems to be that moment when a drawing steps onto the screen as a real person, bearing whatever updates that make them culturally relevant/historically accurate/grittier and edgier.

I do like that her uniform got updated to pseudo-spartan gear with a war skirt instead of her old corset and star-spangled panties.

I also like the moment when some fools point guns at her, and she’s all “Bitches, I fought Titans with a stick.”

Twilight & New Moon

Due to a pact I made with my sister, I am subjecting myself to shit movies of her choosing. As a result, I have been watching the Twilight series. I have thus far made it through Twilight and New Moon.

For my thoughts on Twilight, go here.

I am pretty sure I saw a version of New Moon that was either from a bad dvd rip, or was deliberately re-cut by someone to try to make it more interesting. Or possibly to punish people for watching it in the first place. At first I thought the movie was just doing some flashback bullshit, but about halfway through, it became apparent that the scenes were just jumping around. But I kept watching, because I didn’t really expect to get more out of it in the proper sequence. Since I saw all the frames in the movie, I think it still technically counts as having watched it.

Here are the things I took away:

1. Bella is still kind of a vapid whore, but she has branched out from necrophilia to bestiality. I suppose that must be acknowledged as character development.
2. Werewolves don’t wear shirts. Ever.
3. Having not watched the movie in order, I am uncertain as to the events that led them to go see the Three Most Important Vampires In the World. I think Edward was going to kill himself because Bella went cliff diving. And you clearly have to do that at a church in Italy during the menses festival or whatever, because otherwise it is not a romantic gesture.

I think these movies are the runoff for all the worst extras from Law and Order.

Isn’t every reboot and reinterpretation just fanfic anyway?

They are all just attempts to view a story through a new lens – this is how we process culture.


Originally spotted here:


Should this dude have just written his own original story? Maybe. But we do seem to love a new take something old. It’s no secret that humans crave novelty, but there also a strong need for a thread of the familiar to clue us in on how to interpret what we are seeing. Consider how much people enjoy remakes. And remixes. And makeovers. And cross-overs. It’s like, “Ok, I am really familiar with this character, but what if they were in this situation or what if they met this person? Or what if we took this story and made it darker and edgier.”

I would guess it has to do with the underlying mechanisms we use to model new situations based on previous experiences (such as dreaming or fantasizing). Or the way in which we work backwards to try to figure out something that has already happened – by speculating on what may have happened and comparing against evidence/experience currently available to us. We are essentially checking to see how tightly or loosely it “maps” to what we already know or expect.

I wonder if something about the novelty to familiarity ratio determines how “good” something is perceived to be. Or how well it maps back to what you compare it to. That has got to be something that would be entirely based on the individual. Possibly on how willing they would be to re-evaluate a concept they are using as the basis for understanding novel concepts.

For example, if my beliefs are heavily steeped in religious tradition, I might be unwilling to accept new information that contradicts what I understand – the new information does not map tightly enough back to my own beliefs. If my beliefs say “do not try to reinterpret your beliefs”, it will probably not occur to me to try to map back the other way using the new information to reinterpret . . . basically everything that constitutes my understanding of the world.

Also, if I too readily abandon my beliefs in favor of novel information, I become sort of naive or not very trusting in my own understanding. I might be more willing to try to acknowledge every single idea as valuable and believe you should never tell anyone they are wrong. My head would be a constant swirl of re-evaluation, and I might never get anything done because WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT IS WORTH DOING?

Is this basically the difference between conservatives and liberals?

All movies should be rebooted as horror movies.

Unless it is already a horror movie. Then it gets rebooted as a romantic comedy.

Anyway, here is a trailer for Gobstopper. And a trailer is all you will ever get, because it is clearly too awesome to ever get made.

I absolutely love Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, and after watching this, I realize that the original needs little editing to actually be a horror movie. Gene Wilder excels at standing around looking like a serial killer in any event.

The Johnny Depp version really didn’t leave a noticeable impression on me beyond “this is certainly a movie.” Like, I couldn’t even be bothered to hate it. That might just be my opinion being skewed toward the originals though, as I held basically the same sentiment toward the latest versions of both Star Trek and A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Fun Fact:
When I watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as a kid, I thought that the grandparents were all in the same bed because their legs were fused together somehow. I guess I didn’t really put together that it was more likely that they were unable to afford more beds, or more rooms in which to put them. Because of the poverty. Consequently, when Charlie brings the ticket home, and his grandfather gets up and starts dancing around, I thought the ticket was way more significant than it actually was. I remember feeling very bad for the other grandparents, because they were still stuck to each other, and there were no more tickets left.


I’ll stop watching it when it stops being awesome.

I remember reading something about Heath Ledger isolating himself in a hotel room for six weeks prior to filming, getting into the mindset of his vision of The Joker. He apparently kept a journal which included a list of things that the Joker would find funny, such as AIDS. While I respect people really putting the work into getting the role right, I have to wonder what the long term effects are. Obviously not of terrible concern in this case, but if I recall correctly, Val Kilmer sequestered himself similarly for the role of Jim Morrison and ended up in therapy. I think. Maybe I made that up – I do that sometimes. Whatever – you’re clearly on the internet so you can suss out the truth of it if you care to.

In any event, I feel an item such as the journal should end up in a place appropriate to it’s significance, but I’m honestly shocked it hasn’t yet shown up on ebay.

I’d bid on it.

I wouldn’t win, but only because I am neither independently wealthy, nor willing to sell organs. Well, not my organs anyway. And even brief consideration of the costs associated with locating, securing and transporting viable organs reveals the proposition to be unsound for someone looking to make the quick financial turnaround required for the transaction. It’s really geared towards people with long term goals.

I mean – you’d have to have a buyer lined up first off, because I doubt organs keep long enough for you to harvest first, then go hunting for a buyer. Then you have to find someone that matches blood type, right? And the person would have to be disease free. But then you’d probably want it to be from someone nobody is going to notice missing right away, like a hobo – and how fucking easy do you think it is to find a disease free hobo? They’re not just lying right there in the street – not the healthy ones anyway. The ones lying down probably have something wrong with them, otherwise they’d get up and panhandle or try to charge me money to keep an eye on my car in a public lot or something. I suppose they could just be passed out drunk, but still. That could mean alcoholic, and what if I’m looking for a liver? How am I suppose to move a liver that’s all shriveled up with cirrhosis – nobody’s gonna buy that shit.

I think I just googled a bunch of stuff that’s gonna get me arrested. Thanks Patriot Act.

Yes, I can can use google as a verb in writing.

I was supposed to go see The Dark Knight for the third time this weekend with one of my brothers, but a ruptured brake line spraying fluid all over the road has postponed his visit. This makes me sad. However, I will console myself with the knowledge that this product exists:

Also . . . Watchmen. I am excited by this movie event. I too, may pee.

We Are Out of Ideas

I was recently perusing the selection at my local video rental establishment, when I noticed the following items on the shelf:

I understand that there is a limited amount of material out there. There really are no new stories, just different ways to tell them. But whe I see things like this, I think people are not even trying anymore. It is extremely upsetting to think that we can’t at least put the same recycled crap in a shiny new cover. I’m going to have to demand that the entertainment industry at least make an attempt to fool me into thinking I’m about to see something original.

Of course, since I apparently have nothing better to do with my life than browse softcore porn at the video store, there’s probably little that I’m actually going to do to enforce my demands.